How to confront your wife?
Or how to tell her that she is actually overweight and no longer attractive; hence, she needs to lose weight

By Dr. Andrew D. Atwood

JP. Wait a minute. You are telling me that I am not confronting my partner, not because I am trying to protect my partner, but because I am trying to protect myself? Is that what you are saying? I can’t buy that.

Dr. A. Yes, that is what I am saying. However, I am not denying the fact that your partner will likely have hurt feelings and be upset, I am rather saying that I have more confidence in your partner’s ability to heal from the hurt and get things under control than you do. That is, I have more confidence than you do that your partner can self-soothe if given the chance.

JP. Oh, are you telling me it’s okay to just drop a bomb on my partner and then watch as my partner “self-sooths”? You have to be kidding.

Dr. A. Actually, I am not kidding. I’ve worked with thousands of people, and hundreds of them in particular who have experienced horrible trauma, and I have witnessed them as they have held their own hand, and grown-up.

JP. I don’t doubt your experience, but I don’t have that experience. All I see is hurt feelings and upset, so you are going to have to say a lot more to convince me of this.

Dr. A. I want to be thorough, but I am trying to be concise as well. Human beings have the capacity to heal from the wounds that they have received as they have journeyed through life. We all have traveled some distance over the years as we have grown-up. Along the way we have received a lot of wounds. Some wounds are small, and some are gigantic. My observation is that we have a remarkable capacity built into us, a capacity to heal from the wounds of life. Maybe never entirely, but we can substantially let go of the baggage of the past so that we can travel further down the Journey of Life.

JP. Wow. You’re getting philosophical on me now.

Dr. A. Yes, but I am sure you can handle it. You have a remarkable potential for handling your own anxiety when it comes to matters like this. You see, to get out of the gumption trap you will have to manage your own anxiety as you let your partner handle his, or her own. When we are emotionally fused with our partner, we take responsibility for managing our partner’s emotions. It might be the case that your partner is taking responsibility for managing your anxiety, as well. Ever thought about that?

JP. Frankly, no. You mean that maybe my partner has some issues with me that my partner isn’t being honest about because my partner can’t handle making me upset? Is that it?

Dr. A. You’re getting it, JP! Yes, it could be. That is how marital systems work. You would feel terrible if you confronted your partner. That is clear. It could be that your partner would also feel terrible if the silence was broken and you were confronted. It is possible that you each are avoiding direct personal confrontation in order to protect, not so much each other, but your own selves.

JP. Let me get this straight. I am not confronting my partner about the weight issue because I don’t want to deal with the way I would be upset, when my partner gets upset. And, there is a chance that my partner has some issues with me that aren’t being dealt with because my partner doesn’t want to feel badly for upsetting me. Is that it? Are we both protecting ourselves, and thus perpetuating our gumption trap?

Dr. A. That could be it exactly. In fact, it is probably the case. However, rather frequently it is the case that one partner in particular is way over protective. Every relationship is unique in this regard, so you will have to discover the truth for yourself. And, of course, the only way to discover the truth is to get at it.

JP. Okay. I’m with you up to this point. I don’t talk with my partner about my concerns about weight because I can’t handle the upset that will ensue. I don’t want my partner upset, but I really don’t want to be upset at upsetting my partner.

Dr. A. Yes. That is it. When you can stand still, hold your own hand, soothe your own painful feelings, then you can be honest with your partner with the confidence that the two of you can weather the storm. And, miraculously, you both will become stronger for having done so. That is how we grow-up. We “face the music” of life and learn to handle life as it comes.

JP. Time to stop and get this all straight in my head. I’m in a gumption trap, as you call it, because I am in this double-bind with my partner. I am avoiding dealing honestly with what is going on, or not going on as the case may be, because I am afraid of the stress and upset I will feel if I upset the apple cart with my partner. It isn’t that my partner’s feelings are unimportant, because I do care, and I don’t want my partner to deal with unnecessary upset. But, I need to have more confidence that my partner can work through whatever hurtful feelings arise. Likewise, I need to have more confidence that I can work through whatever bad feelings arise within me. Now, am I getting this straight?

Dr. A. Yes, you’ve got.

JP. Great. Now suppose I get the confidence that I can actually confront my partner, ya know, face-to-face. I understand that I am protecting myself from feeling guilty for upsetting my partner. I understand that I am managing my partner’s anxiety in order to protect myself. But, it is still going to blow my partner away. I am still going to have hurt feelings and upset. What am I supposed to do then?

Dr. A. You’ve got the first step clear, and that is terrific. You hold your own hand, and you encourage your partner to do the same. Here is how. You will share your dilemma with an “I-Message,” and then follow-up with “Active Listening.” You will loop back and forth, around and around, I-Message and Active Listening, until you both have calmed down and reached a “Shared Meaning” around the struggle you are both having.

JP. I’ve heard about these I-Messages and Active Listening before. Explain them again so I can get them clear.

Dr. A. Both come from the work of Carl Rogers, who wrote the book Client Centered Therapy some decades ago. One of Roger’s students was one of my first teachers, and another of his students popularized Roger’s theory into P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training, back around 1973.

JP. That’s nice background, but let’s get to the point.

Dr. A. Okay. An I-Message is different than a “You-Message.” An I-Message sounds like this, “I feel _______, when _______, because _______.” The “feeling” is just that, a real emotional feeling. It is not a thought. It is a feeling. The “when” part identifies the behavior that has happened that generates the feeling. Something has happened, or is happening, that is sparking the feeling. The “because” part identifies the tangible effect the behavior is having on you. It has to be real and tangible. If it isn’t , it will hold little power to effect change.

JP. Can you give me an example?

Dr. A. Sure. Let’s use your current situation. “Honey, I have a serious concern, and I need to talk with you about it. This isn’t easy for me, and it probably won’t be easy for you either, but I need to get something off my chest. I feel far less desire for you when I try to make love to your overweight body because all the extra weight you have put on over the years pretty much turns me off. I’m frustrated now, and have been for some time, but I haven’t said much because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I have come to realize that I am not responsible for your feelings; you are. I am responsible for my own and I really want to do something about this. I don’t want to be turned off to your extra weight because I really love you.”

JP. Ouch! That is really going to hurt!

Dr. A. Sure it is. This is where you switch to the Active Listening mode. Now you listen care-fully to your partner’s emotional reaction. “I can sense your hurt. I’d be hurt if you fired the same thing at me. I think it would be normal to be hurt. But, you must hear that I really love you. This is about your extra weight, not your soul. I love your soul. It is the extra weight. Now help me to understand what you are feeling. I’ll listen carefully.”

JP. Do I just sit there and be quiet?

Dr. A. No. This is the Active part. You listen to the feelings and identify them. “I understand you feel criticized.” “That must be frustrating.” “I can appreciate your anger because what I said is pretty personal, but I think you are being defensive right now. I understand that. I really love your soul, but not your weight. Let’s stay focused there.” That is the sort of conversation you have when you go back and forth between I-Messages and Active Listening. Speak and listen, speak and listen, over and over again until everyone calms down and the shared meaning is reached.

JP. That sounds good. I think I can do that. It will be hard, though.

Dr. A. Yes, it will be hard for both of you. The discussion might have to take place over a whole evening, or a couple of days even. Sometimes it takes a while to process the feelings and get clear. If you fall into using a You-Message you will mess the process up, so remember to stop if you start a “You are x, and y, and z, and by the way, you are too fat to turn me on.” That is really pretty hurtful stuff.

JP. Is that book, P.E.T., still published? Would it be good for me to read it?

Dr. A. Yes, you can buy it in paperback. Very solid stuff and easy to understand. The skills can be used in all relationships. These are the same skills that every Therapist has to learn right at the beginning of their training, so you might as well learn these skills as well.

JP. Alright. I’ll check out Parent Effectiveness Training : The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children by Thomas Gordon.

Dr. A. Good. That is taking responsibility for your growth. I really like that.

JP. Okay. But I need to ask the next question. Once I’ve gotten the courage to confront my partner, and I am able to listen and talk so that both of us can work our way through this, what do I do with the actual problem? In my case, as I have said, I am really turned off by my partner’s body. I still hate to say that because I should be able to love my partner beyond that. It seems so shallow.

Dr. A. You can love someone’s soul, but not find him or her attractive. There are lots of people in your life whose soul you love, and to whom you are committed forever, but who do not turn you on. You are right in wanting them both to come together in one person, especially your life mate. But, life mates often have something go wrong where they don’t find each other attractive anymore. Keeping your relationship tuned-up and full of energy is much the subject of my eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sad Marriage. In your specific situation, where you can identify a specific “when” and the tangible effect it has on you, you should be okay. Your problem is not with your partner’s soul, but with his/her overweight body. You can love someone unconditionally (which is something about which Carl Rogers wrote a great deal, and about which I even wrote a Master’s Thesis!) but that is different than being turned on by him/her. Way different.

JP. I’m still with ya, Doc. But what are we going to do about the weight issue, in my specific case.

Dr. A. Way to keep me on track. You take the specific issue at hand and ask, “Is my partner willing to change? Is my partner able to change?” Depending on the answer to each question, you modify the way you relate with your partner. There are 4 ways to be a good companion when your partner is going through a change effort.

1. Just delegate the change effort to your partner. Give it right over and be there as a cheerleader. Not much more.

2. Have a dialogue with you partner about the struggle he/she has to go through as they make the change.

3. You can coach your partner. If you have some ability, some information, some know how, then go ahead and coach.

4. Flat out direct your partner what to change, how to change, and why it is important. Give directions each step along the way.

JP. But when do I do which? What are the indications for which?

Dr. A. Here is a little diagram that will help you.

Let me unpack this a little. Notice the 2 directions on which we are focusing? On the left is a “High Relationship Focus” and on the right is a “High Task Focus.” That is, the styles on the top, Dialogue and Coach, focus more on the relationship than do the bottom two. And, to Coach and Direct are more focused on the Task than the other two.

If you are going to Delegate the problem to your partner, you aren’t going to focus a lot on the task at hand (losing weight in your situation) and you aren’t even going to spend a lot of energy focused on the relationship. This might happen if your partner says something like this: “I’ve known for some time that my weight has been a problem for you. Frankly, it has been a problem for me too. I guess I was just waiting for the right motivation to do something about it. I know how to fix this, and I will. You won’t have to worry about it. Your support would be appreciated, but frankly, this is my deal to take care of.” In this case, you are very fortunate because your partner is willing and able to address the issue.

Dialogue becomes necessary when your partner is not willing to address the problem, even though he/she is able to do so. Losing weight is a great example of this. Most of us are able to lose weight, but it requires a great deal of willingness. With the emphasis on reducing carbohydrate intake that is so prevalent today, particularly due to the influence of Dr. Robert Atkins, there is a great deal that can be done. But it takes willingness! This is where dialogue is so important. If you and your partner can both use I-Messages and Active Listening then you can make some progress. The whole subject of how to dialogue well could easily be the topic for another long answer from me. I don’t want to drown you in too much content right now.

When is it time to Coach? It is right to coach when your partner is willing to address the problem, but unable, and you have some particular knowledge or skill that can help the situation. Remember, a good coach uses positive encouragement while instructing. Never belittling, a good coach supports and uplifts with positive reinforcement all along the way. Be careful not to over-coach! Lots of partners over-coach and become a nuisance in the process. Now in your case, with the weight issue, if you are like most of us you have worked at a diet at one time or another. Maybe you can get in there with your previous experience and coach a little? That would be helpful if your partner is willing, but unable.

Of course, the toughest situation to deal with is the one where your partner is unwilling and unable. It is hard to have to Direct change in another person. Most often it doesn’t work. This is the territory of the ultimatum. “I love your soul, but not your body. I will be forever disappointed and frustrated with our relationship, and seriously so, if you are not willing to deal with this. If it is an ability problem, then let’s try to figure out what is wrong.” How does that sound? Frankly, I know of no quicker way to get a handle on the mechanical issues that could be impacting your partner’s ability than to 1) talk with your physician, and 2) purchase my eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sad Marriage. There is a lot of information in my eBook about the many issues involved in creating a struggle with physical intimacy. In your case, however, your partner needs to talk with his/her physician specifically about the weight issue. I am a big fan of the Atkins program, so check that out by reading Dr. Atkins' Three-Book Package: New Diet Revolution; New Diet Cookbook; New Carb Gram Counter.  Long answer to your question. How are you doing?

JP. That was a long answer. But I think I am following you. In my case, where the issue is my feeling turned off, when I get physically involved with my partner, because of the huge weight gain and the way it has changed my partner’s body . . . .

Dr. A. Great “I-Message” right there!

JP. Thanks. As I was saying, once I state my I-Message, and then we deal with any hurt feelings by Active Listening, back and forth as you say, then I can switch my role and either Delegate, Dialogue, Coach, or Direct depending on how my partner responds. The decision is really up to my partner at that point. If my partner is willing and able, I can just Delegate. If my partner is not willing, but able to deal with the weight issue, which is what I suspect will be the case, then we engage in some Dialogue about it. Hopefully, I can find out how I can be supportive. If my partner is willing but not able, then maybe together we can get some Coaching, from maybe a doctor, or a nutritionist, or maybe go on line and look for some stuff on the Atkins program, or whatever. And, if my partner is not willing and not able, then we have a real problem.

Dr. A. Yes, you have a real problem. You address the ability issue first. If your partner isn’t able to make the change, whatever that change might be, then you will have to decide just how important this change is to you. But, you will have to address the issue out in the open in order to move on. There are limits to what some of us can change, and if you ever hit the wall there, it will be decision time. Don’t ever give an ultimatum that you aren’t ready to follow through with.

JP. Okay. But I figure this is a lot easier said, than done. I can get this in my head, but it will be tough to actually work it through with my partner. Nothing goes as smoothly in real life.  

Dr. A. That’s true. But stay centered within yourself, be patient, be persistent, and be kind as you work through this. If you get mean, short, and give up, you won’t get anywhere. I wish you the best. When I get in gumption traps, as we all do now and then, I am reminded of something my own brother told me once, “God didn’t say it would be easy, only worth it.” Of course, if you get stuck you can email me and maybe I can help.

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About the author

Dr. Andrew D. Atwood is the author of the Hopeful Solutions for Sad Marriage and other books on romance and marriage.