Without a doubt, the most asked question in my seminars is: "What do women really want anyways?"   The times we live in are truly a different and unusual time in the history of relationships between men and women.  Neither men or women are certain what their roles are supposed to be. They aren't completely sure what they want, let alone what they expect from each other. And, on balance, I would say that the changes in our society have given men the more difficult job of adjusting. 

Please do not misunderstand me; I am thrilled with the changes in the past twenty or thirty years. Both men and women (especially women) have a tremendously better choice of options for how to live their lives. The "Women's Liberation Movement" is a wonderful thing, if for no other reason, because it has allowed women to realize that they can (and are) in control of their own lives; they have a right to be satisfied. This realization is necessary for women to fulfill their full potential. And, only fulfilled women can become true females.  

On the other hand, all of the changes in roles and expectations have caused much confusion; although the expectations of both men and women are much greater, I don't feel as if an equal amount of good knowledge and education is available. Consequently, although the potential for greater fulfillment exists, very few are able to take advantage of it.

WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN

Yes, things are different now. Women do expect to be treated as equals. They expect to work and have families, and they expect their men to be more than just a provider. They want their men to also help around the house and with the kids.  They also expect men to be more conscious of his looks and appearance. It used to be, in the past, that only women felt pressured to "look good." Well, now that women have more economic freedom and equity with men...they also have more choices. This means that men are now feeling equally pressured to look good, as well as provide a substantial living (while finding the time to help around the house and with the kids).

All of this confuses us silly men (all we really want is to get laid; isn't it?); we are not sure if we are expected to be incredibly built and good looking, incredibly wealthy or incredibly willing to stay home and wash the dishes.

Relax. I have learned through my hundreds of sessions with "modern women" that there are a few things that remain amazingly constant and similar when women are asked to describe what it is that they look for/expect in a "modern man."

CONFIDENCE

"Just remember, as long as you don't hurt anybody, or talk badly about them, or take advantage of them, you'll always be disappointedly dull."         Eric Idle

Uniformly, the number one thing that women describe as necessary and attractive in a man is confidence. Absolutely, the trait most mentioned by women as "attractive" in a man is self assurance and an attitude of being "in control" of his life. This does not necessarily mean that the man must have an impressive title or have power over thousands; it simply means that he projects the attitude that "he knows what he wants and he isn't afraid to go after it." He is not intimidated by life or the circumstances around him.

In the twenty first century, many times, this means that he is confident enough in himself to not be intimidated by her; his self esteem is not negatively affected if she is a whole, self-fulfilled individual that (God forbid!) may even earn more money than he does.  He is not afraid of her being either. Many times this refers to the fact that men are intimidated by women that are experienced and aggressive. They feel as if there is something wrong with them if they are not always the leader and teacher. Although it is true that, most of the time, women prefer the male to take (at least a certain amount of) control, this is not always the case. Sometimes women want to feel what it is like to initiate. It takes a very confident man to not allow himself to be intimidated when his woman desires to be the aggressor.

And, although women want their men to be vulnerable and sensitive enough to share their feelings, it is safe to say that very few women find it attractive for a man to present himself as a perpetual "Sad Sack;" someone that always lets life, and others, to get the best of him.

Interestingly, one of the traits that women listed as being extremely unattractive is overconfidence. Most felt that rudely "cocky" men were not actually that confident, rather, they were compensating for a lack of confidence. To some extent, this is relative. If you are Michael Jordan and you are confident in your ability to score in the playoffs, that's OK. If you are in a restaurant and berating the waiter because he doesn't earn as much money as you do, that's not OK.   

• Find and read as much information as you can about "Success" and "Positive Mental Attitude." Authors such as Napoleon Hill, Norman Vincent Peale, Tony Robbins and many others have written very important and useful books that can give you innumerable ways to start becoming more self confident.

• "Fake it until you make it!" If you are presently having difficulty believing that you can develop the self confidence that you desire, that's OK; trust me (and many more successful than I), when I tell you that you can be in control of your life.

All women make the following considerations before they decide if it is OK to have a relationship (yeah, yeah...and sleep with) any particular man:

"Is he the right man?"
"Is this the right time?"
"Is the environment/atmosphere right?"

It may take quite a lot of work to successfully make it through that entire gauntlet of her considerations. But, first you need to be entered into the pool of candidates considered. To do that, you need to understand this basic principle; she will be attracted to men that like and appreciate her.  Your job is to make sure that she recognizes that you fit into that category!  And, for the Master, this is a subtle art (that is why the pigtails story doesn't impress me). You need to consciously determine that you are going to find ways to let her know that you like and appreciate her; ways that will not be perceived as manipulative bullshit. I do think, as a good human, you should do this with all of the people in your life that you love; just be aware that your chances of getting laid without doing it are practically zero.

The critical difference between success and failure in this task is approach; you want her to feel as if you are noticing her obvious good qualities, not that you are insincerely complimenting her (just to get into her pants). 

Generally, you don't want to compliment her on physical characteristics that might have some obvious connotation. "Wow...you have a wonderful chest" is not a good approach. "Jill, I noticed how well your jacket and shoes match; I am always impressed with your sense of style" is a good approach.

I don't suggest that you pursue women that you aren't truly impressed with or feel have many positive qualities; consequently, this task should not be difficult. You should not have to search for positive qualities; they should be obvious to you. Just be creative in finding sincere, subtle ways of letting her know that you recognize these things.   You will be amazed at how quickly she warms up to you and begins to consider you an intelligent, observant person (because you are recognizing her positive qualities).

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Yes, modern women do care about what a male looks like. In fact, it is very true that women today expect more in the area of male attractiveness then they ever have; with their newfound economic and social equality, they have more options than ever. Consequently, it is helpful to know what, in particular, women find most physically attractive in a man. So, I will give you the rundown...But, those of you that are not blessed with the looks and body of Adonis can rest easy in the knowledge that looks are infinitely less important to women than are the other qualities we have already discussed.  Women find the following male physical characteristics most important/most attractive: