I decided to wait for his response to our date and not write to him first.   Getting myself into such a complicated relationship gave me a feeling of walking on thin ice. One wrong step and I can go under icy water. However, this feeling makes it more exciting and unusual than regular dating.  I have a feeling he might appear only if he is up to physical intimacy, which would suit me just fine, seeing my own unclear status.  But if I would have a chance to have something meaningful with Kiyoshi, I surely would go for it.  

~

Next couple of weeks since our last meeting Kiyoshi did not appear much. We were exchanging short polite emails. It seemed that his job was very stressful.  He was lagging behind in some of his projects. On one hand I did believe him, on another hand, somewhere in a tiny dark attic of my mind I felt insecure thinking that he did not want to see me anymore.  However, in one of his emails he was asking about my schedule but did not offer to meet. At some point I got tired of waiting and decided that nothing more was going to happen.

On a Saturday, I was sitting with my friend in a café as my cell phone rang. It was Kiyoshi He arrived to the city that I live out of the blue and was hoping to see me “right here and now”.  I was confused.  I felt angry so I said I was with a friend of mine. It did not seem to bother Kiyoshi; instead he simply asked to introduce him to my friend. I refused. Anyway, I apologized to my friend and rushed to meet Kiyoshi.  It was a strange meeting. He was all of a sudden warm and soft and really nice. We went to have lunch. He was taking pictures of me, mostly of my face, when I was not paying attention, constantly saying how beautiful I was. Than he started to push softly to book a hotel or a room but I refused, saying that I just wanted to have a good time in the city. We were walking for hours through the city.  He gently took my hand, and we were walking hand in hand.  Again to my utter surprise, Kiyoshi asked for a kiss in the middle of the street. I couldn’t believe myself. Japanese don’t kiss on the street as far as I know. But there we were, making out in the middle of a crowded street. Moreover, he mentioned that he understood my married status and it wasn’t bothering him much, except that he did not want to know about my “other life”. It also appeared that Kiyoshi could be a jealous man, asking if I was seeing other men beside him. I felt that there might be more in him that he tries to show to me. However he did say, “We are just casually seeing each other but not a couple”.  It did hurt me, as much as I tried to hide it.   Before we said good-bye again he took our picture together. As I said he took lots of photographs this time. We made a date meet again, agreeing that this time I will visit him.  

And there I was again, in the train, dreaming, smiling to myself, thinking about arms and kisses of Kiyoshi But our last meeting was a bit of a disappointment to me. Kiyoshi met me at the station. He was very tense and stressed out. As far as I understood, it was due to his job. He said that he had only a couple of hours for me. I got really irritated about his attitude and told him that if he did not have time, he should have simply mentioned it prior to my arrival and we would have simply changed the date. But Kiyoshi did not say anything on my remarks. We went to his place. There he made us some breakfast and we were sitting at his kitchen table, having coffee, smoking, talking about his past. Suddenly he told how bad his two previous relationships were. Now I understood that the guy is very scared of any commitment, afraid of repeating his bad experiences. I felt as he was trying to close himself from me but it was not so easy. Afterwards we were intimate again. This time we took our time enjoying being together. And again it felt good. But over couple of hours Kiyoshi got very anxious saying that he should be working, that some people were actually waiting for him in his office. I felt truly disappointed. He brought me to the station and I said I would write him in a week or so (after my Easter vacation). We kissed good-bye; he apologized for the limited time and left.

When I got home I didn’t know what to think.  Actually I still don’t know. Remembering that parents of Kiyoshi will be visit him during Easter I sent him a few addresses of places which might be helpful to entertain them.

~   

Thinking that there is a “dead end” with Kiyoshi, I went out with another Japanese guy I was communicating for a while. He is a complete opposite of Kiyoshi, open and sweet and funny, good looking and living in the same city as I am. And, even though I don’t feel that much chemistry with him as I felt with Kiyoshi, I enjoyed our evening out. Tadashi made me feel at ease, taking me to a fancy Japanese restaurant, helping me with chopsticks, and choosing nice food for me. I felt very comfortable and good with Tadashi.  A feeling of a real old good date. However, deep in my soul I did wish that instead of handsome, easy, witty Tadashi it would be Kiyoshi.

~

Kiyoshi appeared in my life for the past period a couple of times. Once he called me in the middle of night saying that would like to come by. We spent a strange night together, mostly talking, drinking coffee, and smoking. He was telling me how tired he was and about the pressures of his job. We had no intimacy, just slow conversation with long pauses. In the morning I felt tired and sort of empty. I realized that any kind of feeling I might start to develop for Kiyoshi was gone. It made me feel almost full of remorse .At the station I kissed Kiyoshi's tired face and, after he took the train, deleted his number from my cell phone. We chatted once or twice online but the attraction definitely died from my part.