I know he was terrified that I would get severely depressed in such a situation. Now that I look back, I feel that things would have been tough for a while, but I know that I would have made it. I feel that I was cheated the chance to celebrate my life in Japan. I had already fallen in love with Japan and the idea of living there. I had prepared myself in so many ways for it, and to no avail.  I had heard stories about Japanese women dumping their lovers without any explanation but I was experiencing the worst from a Japanese man.

Restarting my life

At the moment I'm teaching English in Sweden. I'm married to a Swede and we even have children. The reason? After Makoto left me standing by the shore, wishing for his presence in my life, I realized I would have to move on. I subconsciously chose to not choose a Japanese mate. It hurt to even hear Japanese spoken around me, because I would only see Makoto's smiling face - we parted on terms of best friends. But I felt that I should find a mate that was quite the opposite. I did just that. I found someone lacking humor, very serious all the time, not willing to enjoy the little things in life. Everything is an inconvenience to him. Nothing is a good idea. Opportunities that I see as wonderful, he sees as great dangers. He wants to stay put in one place all his life, I want to see the world. I have a double B.A. degree, he doesn't care if he ever gets his degree. He gets mad when I feel like laughing. We do not even have intimate relations anymore, and he doesn't seem to mind at all. I feel trapped.  AND I realize just how much I still want a Japanese man as a life-partner. In fact, that is all I can think about!

Fantasies about Japanese

I have fantasies about Japanese men constantly. It's the only thing that turns me on anymore. Blonde hair and blue eyes just do not appeal to me at all. But the thought of just about any Japanese man makes my wild inner self roar! The very thought of their timidity, in a cute way, just makes me want them even more! They know how to please a woman because they take the time to find out exactly what she, as an individual, likes. The way they look, smell, and hearing them speak Japanese to me in bed just makes me melt. It rekindles the spark I had with Makoto, but intensified from the 5 years that have gone by since his departure. I even had one encounter with a Japanese man that came from Tokyo to see me in Sweden. I have beautiful memories of that experience. But now I feel that I want more than just encounters with Japanese men, I want to spend the rest of my life with one. It doesn't matter if it would be in the US or in Japan. I'm up for either one. Or if he is crazy enough to try living in Sweden for a while, I'd consider that as well.

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