The kind of Japanese woman (elegant, sophisticated, cultured, refined, traditional Japanese beauty, intelligent, artistic, etc.) idolized by a lot of Japan lovers from the images of Japan exists in very few numbers and is accordingly hard to find.  We have received hundreds of emails from men who have had disastrous experiences with Japanese women since their expectations of both parties were out of sync.   The woman expected a tall, blue-eyed, blond who would always treat her like a lady while she could be a more ‘free’ persona.  On the other hand, the foreigner expected a docile woman who would be pleasant, charming, polite, and less demanding.  No wonder the dreams were shattered for both resulting in unpleasant memories. (Related:  Japanese wife)

A lot of foreigners go to Japan believing that Japanese women are ‘easy to get’ especially if they meet the criteria described above.  If nothing else to do, these men go there on the pretext of teaching English or working as a model or just exploring the culture, engage in short-term relationships, and come back.  This has reinforced an image of the foreigner as someone not looking for a committed relationship.

Considering the structure of the Japanese society, it is very difficult for a Japanese woman to visualize herself being married to a non-Japanese when it is so difficult even to have a non-Japanese boyfriend.  But the attraction of the foreigner male is very powerful.  The outcome – use the male as a ‘toy’.  Play with him, find out what is really like to be with someone who is not ‘Japanese’, but move on to happily settle down with a non-Japanese.  Among Japanese women, there is a tendency to ‘test’ men of different origins.  First, they want a foreigner boyfriend – to practice English (or any other foreign language) and learn about the culture.  Blond, blue-eyes preferred.  If they have tried an American, they then want a European or an Australian.  Finally, they want a French or an Italian or Spanish.  The more adventurous ones might even go for Latinos or Africans though there is general disdain for almost all Asians.  In most cases, the objective is to explore rather than to genuinely discover their soul mate.

But aren’t a lot of men are finding true love in Japan?  Yes, there are countless wonderful Japanese women and men who are married to them lead blissful lives.  Most of them found them by not looking for a Japanese wife but circumstances brought them together.  (Related article:  Experiences with Japanese women)

Japanese society is very complex and the mind of a Japanese person is almost unfathomable to a non-Japanese because of the manner in which communication is conducted the Japanese.  The way in which the generally polite Japanese walk away from a relationship is so frustrating that most men who write to MYNIPPON appear to be very angry and confused.  They do not complain that the relationship ended – they hate the fact that they were not treated like a ‘toy’ that was played with and then just abandoned.  There is no simple answer that we have been able to uncover from our research.  This is the way it is done in Japan and you have to learn to live with it if you are in a relationship with a Japanese.

Everything that Bob has gone through is not unusual – we have learned of each of these things happening to other men.  We feel that living in Japan must have been an enriching experience for him in other ways and he should think of it as an asset.  He should return home with a positive mind and not stop his quest for his ‘dream girl’.  Who knows – may be she is not a ‘Japanese’?