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How to live with a spouse who always criticizes?

Strategy to deal with a controlling partner

One of the major causes of breakups and divorces is a partner who is just too critical - not just of life in general, but of YOU. Dr. Nancy Wasson says that the toxic effects of repeated criticism accumulate over time, and often the criticism is part of a larger pattern of controlling behavior by one spouse.  So are you just a sensitive person or you have a real problem spouse? Then take the Wasson Test and if the answer to even one question is "yes," then you need to act:
  • Do you often feel that your controlling husband or wife criticizes you unfairly?
  • Do you feel that your mate consistently looks for nit-picking things to criticize?
  • Do you feel that your controlling spouse routinely criticizes you for things that have been blown out of proportion or are beyond your control?

Tips to cope with a controlling and critical spouse

Try to listen without getting defensive. Hear your spouse out and let him (or her) say what’s on his mind.

Even though you may be thinking “Here we go again—same old gripes,” keep an open mind to the possibility that there may be a different twist this time.

Recognize that your spouse’s perceptions are different from yours. Launching a direct attack to convince her that he or she’s off-base will almost always fail.

Resist the urge to counter criticism with criticism. That will only add fuel to the fire and ensure that negative feelings will escalate.

Consider whether your spouse is making any valid points that you need to look at. It’s all-too-easy to get upset and decide that the criticism is off-base and miss the part of the criticism that may be valid. If you are overweight and your wife is telling you that, get on the scale, calculate your BMI, and make sure that you are. If so, listen to her and go on a diet. If not, tell her to shut up because your BMI is acceptable.

Work on not taking the criticism so personally, even though it’s directed at you. But your spouse may really be irritated at herself but instead take her feelings out on you by throwing barbs of criticism in your direction.

Realize that just because your spouse criticizes you doesn’t mean you have to let that determine your mood or spoil your day. Your spouse can’t “make you feel bad” without your consent.
Photo of the mouth of an angry woman screaming showing off her pink lips and yellow teeth.Schedule a time to talk with your spouse about your reactions to the constant criticism. Say that it’s discouraging and could negatively affect your passion.

Write your spouse a letter outlining your concerns about the damage that constant criticism could do to your feelings of love and emotional intimacy. Say something positive about your spouse before you state your concerns that frequent criticism could hurt the marriage. Last, end by making more positive remarks and sharing how much you love your spouse and value your relationship.

Ask your spouse to go to marriage counseling with you. Say that you need to take care of some emotional debris that is accumulating for you in the marriage.

Source: Wasson.  Copyright.  All rights reserved.