How to deal with a shy lesbian girlfriend?

Be patient and become her teacher

By Pierre Coda

Maybe more than heterosexual dating, dating for lesbians is somewhat challenging because our society still does not have enough role models in the community.  Many lesbian women simply do not know how to get started and how to enjoy their relationship. Nancy, a 29-year old, is in relationship with 20-year old Trish.  They both attend university together and consider themselves to be educated and liberal, but Nancy is finding out that Trish is still a long way off from being her true partner in bed. Nancy writes, "It seems that every time we kiss and as soon as it begins to get intimate one of us stops. Trisha says she is still shy with girls. I have had relationships with other girls but Trisha has been intimate with just one other girl but no relationship. We are always telling one another how awesome/attractive/smart/sweet the other is. Recently we have evolved to handholding, long hugs and goodbye kisses but it is hard to get beyond that. I am somewhat shy in the beginning with girls but I am still having a problem understanding our problem. Now either I am just impatient or scared. Are we being somewhat healthy about this or are things way too slow and will soon fizzle out! I guess I am mostly scared of getting hurt again and an objective opinion  from you would be nice!" I see two issues here. One, she is younger. Two, she does not appear to be comfortable (yet) with her sexuality. It appears that she is still adjusting to a relationship with a woman. In reality, you are the first one. While you have not touched on whether she is a bisexual or has accepted herself as a lesbian, it appears that she is still struggling to find herself. Could she be experimenting to find out what it is like to date a woman? Does she feel guilt having a relationship with a woman? It will be good to find that out before you do anything. To make things somewhat more difficult, you too appear to be shy.  I would suggest the following approach. Do not push her too hard since that might turn her off - from you, maybe from women altogether. On the other hand if she discovers the joy of the relationship with you on her own, it will be more satisfying for both of you. Having said that, you may need to take a bit more "aggressive" approach here and what I mean by that is that you need to guide her along rather than wait for things to happen. Considering you are "older" and experienced, if you become a teacher for her, it will be a fun way for her to learn.