Relationship with abusive men

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are both 48 years old. I have been divorced for 20 years and he has been single his entire life. He was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive. Because of these behaviors, I have tried to leave him dozens of times before. His promises, words of devotion, and claims of loving me along with stating how very sorry for his mistakes he was, kept me in this relationship for four year. He has made attempts to get help with his anger management issues. The little counseling he received has not helped. We have been to counselors individually and together, we have read books on codependency and on relationships and he is in a 12-Step Program. I had stated many times that the abuse was unacceptable and I would not stay. I tried to walk away when he was angry, he chased me, kept me hostage and escalated each incident. Many times I overlooked bad situations in public and in private to avoid escalation.  (Related:  Why do women stay in bad relationships)

Recently, while he was in the hospital, he continued to be abusive. After a week of killing myself of running to the hospital and putting up with his unacceptable behavior of humiliating me, belittling me, and degrading me became too overwhelming and I ended the relationship (again). He was there for another week and attempted to contact me off and on. He would text and call but I refused to let his empty promises bring me back. It has been a month since he has been out of the hospital and he is still recovering from having his kidney removed due to cancer. I have spoken and responded to his e-mails a few times but I still believe his promises are empty and he will not follow through.  (Related:  How to get out of bad relationships)

My grownup children do not want anything to do with him as they have witnessed his anger towards me. My family is aware of his anger issues and abusive behavior toward me too. They do not understand how I feel about him and can only see I should not put up with it.

I do not initiate phone calls or e-mails, however I keep finding myself responding to his. I know every time I do this I am getting my "fix" of feeling better but then I don't hear from him for another few days and I start grieving the loss of the relationship and his presence all over again.

I love this man with all my heart and soul. We had so many wonderful times and moments together. I do not doubt he loves me as much as I do him.

I feel lots of anxiety whether I am doing the right thing. I have explained to him I will not go back and the help he needs will take too long for me to wait around. He says he is so very sorry, he feels he is the cause of most of our problems from the very beginning and he is willing to get the real help of overcoming his issues (as soon as he recovers from the surgery).

I want to be with this man but I also feel it is too late. I am confused about what to do. I also am not sure if he is being truly honest. The real problem now is me. Can you give me some insight?

First of all, take a 90-day break not only from this man but from all romantic relationships. Focus on yourself during this period. Take a vacation, if possible, with a friend or family member or even alone. Get some beauty treatments, go shopping, and just indulge yourself.

Reestablish contact with girlfriends. Volunteer at some place where you feel a connection. You will realize that life is not so awful being single.

After this 90-day period, you can start to date and hopefully you will find someone who cares for you as much as you do.

My final piece of advice is that you should not go back to this man. He is not right for you no matter what he says. The best thing for both of you is to move on.