Dealing with men who avoid commitment
While no relationship is easy, the ones where one partner is more mature than the other, can produce unique challenges. The traditional thinking that supports marriage and relationships among peers is based on the argument that when two people discover life together there is a shared sense of excitement and that is what makes it easier for both of them and is a lot of fun. When one partner has already seen/done that a million times, the response and perspective can be quite different. And that is why I recommend that the mature partner assume the role of the teacher and the younger partner become the student. But this not as easy as it sounds, particularly when the mental age of a person appears to be higher than numerical age. Thus the secret of success in such a relationship is about managing expectations. (Related article: Dating someone with age gap is the new trend)
Let us read what Mary writes, "My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and he is 15 years younger then I am. He keeps going back and forth about saying he needs to finish college and he's not sure yet what he wants in his life. He says I am his world and he wouldn't even think about being with anyone else. Now mind you, this guy is very educated very spiritual. I would never think he is his age. I have gotten pregnant a few times with protection and he got really freaked out. He wants no kids at all. He just wants to focus on his career and on us and the two boys I already have, he says. But he says I am his whole life and future and everything, but he changes his mind every once a month. What do I do? It is driving me crazy. And we have now broken up for about two days. I have not met anyone in his family. He says for us to wait because he is in school and they are really old-fashioned and think he should focus on his education. His father knows about me but I have never met him. His parents are divorced though. Please help."
What are great things about her relationship?
Her boyfriend appears to be committed to her, has no problems with her or her children (something that often freaks out young men), and is very career-oriented. The fact that he is a spiritual man definitely helps as well.
I also don't see a problem with his not wanting any kids with Mary. In today's world, two kids is a lot of work and many young men and women no longer like the idea of having any/many kids.
Are there any problems with this man?
Absolutely. I am quite concerned that he has not introduced Mary yet to his family even after being together for two years. If you are bold enough to defy your parents and date a woman 15 years more mature than you, you better have the guts to bring her to your parents as well and proudly introduce her. It is quite understandable why a young man would want to focus on his education and career but even the most academic types have relationships in college that they are committed to.
What concerns me even more is if he is simply using Mary and is not interested in anything more substantial than someone to hang out with while he goes to college. Once he graduates, he can simply move on and leave her behind, again citing his career to be more important. (Related article: Commitment phobic men)
What should Mary do?
Since you have already broken up with him, you should not take the initiative to patch up with him. If he comes back to you, however, you really need to ask what is on his mind and how can you make sure that the relationship has a future. If he is not willing to do that, including formally introducing you to his family and being proud of his relationship, it is best for you to move on and let him pursue his career.
I want to point out that many men are intrigued by the idea of a relationship with a mature woman, the fact that it does not require the same level of commitment as a woman their age would demand/expect, and that a more experienced woman is somehow more exciting. It is quite understandable that he is still young, priorities at this age are different, and he has his whole life ahead of you, while you want something more stable, but that does not give him the right to "use" you.
Recommended article: Challenges of dating mature women
Let us read what Mary writes, "My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and he is 15 years younger then I am. He keeps going back and forth about saying he needs to finish college and he's not sure yet what he wants in his life. He says I am his world and he wouldn't even think about being with anyone else. Now mind you, this guy is very educated very spiritual. I would never think he is his age. I have gotten pregnant a few times with protection and he got really freaked out. He wants no kids at all. He just wants to focus on his career and on us and the two boys I already have, he says. But he says I am his whole life and future and everything, but he changes his mind every once a month. What do I do? It is driving me crazy. And we have now broken up for about two days. I have not met anyone in his family. He says for us to wait because he is in school and they are really old-fashioned and think he should focus on his education. His father knows about me but I have never met him. His parents are divorced though. Please help."
What are great things about her relationship?
Her boyfriend appears to be committed to her, has no problems with her or her children (something that often freaks out young men), and is very career-oriented. The fact that he is a spiritual man definitely helps as well.
I also don't see a problem with his not wanting any kids with Mary. In today's world, two kids is a lot of work and many young men and women no longer like the idea of having any/many kids.
Are there any problems with this man?
Absolutely. I am quite concerned that he has not introduced Mary yet to his family even after being together for two years. If you are bold enough to defy your parents and date a woman 15 years more mature than you, you better have the guts to bring her to your parents as well and proudly introduce her. It is quite understandable why a young man would want to focus on his education and career but even the most academic types have relationships in college that they are committed to.
What concerns me even more is if he is simply using Mary and is not interested in anything more substantial than someone to hang out with while he goes to college. Once he graduates, he can simply move on and leave her behind, again citing his career to be more important. (Related article: Commitment phobic men)
What should Mary do?
Since you have already broken up with him, you should not take the initiative to patch up with him. If he comes back to you, however, you really need to ask what is on his mind and how can you make sure that the relationship has a future. If he is not willing to do that, including formally introducing you to his family and being proud of his relationship, it is best for you to move on and let him pursue his career.
I want to point out that many men are intrigued by the idea of a relationship with a mature woman, the fact that it does not require the same level of commitment as a woman their age would demand/expect, and that a more experienced woman is somehow more exciting. It is quite understandable that he is still young, priorities at this age are different, and he has his whole life ahead of you, while you want something more stable, but that does not give him the right to "use" you.
Recommended article: Challenges of dating mature women
posted by eCreativa Media @ 12/22/2004 11:37:00 AM
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