Find common ground to make relationship work

Kay, a 42-year old woman in Canada, is dating a 24-year old Muslim man. But not everything is going well in her relationship. She tells me, "We have been in a relationship for two years but I feel that I should end this relationship because I want more from him and I think that this will never happen because he's a Muslim and I am a Roman Catholic. I am confused. I wanna leave him but he is so nice. Though, he acts weird sometimes. I am totally lost and need help."

I think in Kay's case, there are a few things happening at the same time:

The age difference: While it may seem like a big deal to her, the reality is the world is changing. In my work I am finding that mature women are finding happiness in relationships with younger men. As Megan, a 47-year old who is dating a 28-year old, told me this morning, "Since I met this guy my whole world has changed. It is true when they say that a younger guy can do anything older guys can do and even better. I am treated like a queen when I am with him."

The different religion: I know that this can be a tough one unless both partners truly respect each other's beliefs. I know this because I am myself in a similar situation. My wife's beliefs are totally opposite to those of mine but we respect each other's beliefs. In fact we have never had an issue with this. So a couple can work out a system to deal with religious issues. In fact, I believe that marrying someone of a different religion provides a great opportunity to discover a whole new world. (Related article: Dating tips for Muslim men)

But Kay has other issues as well. For example, she thinks that he is weird sometimes. The bottomline is, Who isn't? We all find something awkward or strange about others. If something is truly offensive or impolite then you can provide some feedback and ask him to change. Otherwise, learn to appreciate it. He might find some of your habits as awkward.

My argument in such cases always has been that it takes no time to end a relationship but a lot of time to find the right one. And as Kay tells me, if her boyfriend is such a nice guy, then you really need to think before breaking up. (Related article: When is a good time to breakup?)

Recommended next steps

1. Talk to him about the religious differences. Try to work out a compromise that will make both of you happy.
2. Tell him what you find weird about him. Be direct but polite. The idea is not to attack his self-esteem but to provide how his awkward behavior makes you uncomfortable and how you would like him to change for his sake and for him to become a better person. (Related article: Self esteem issues among men)
3. Assess his attitude. Is he positively inclined? Does he want to do what it takes to make the relationship go forward? If not, you might want to move on and let him find someone who is willing to like him for who he is.

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