Pick up guide for women

Believe it or not, several women have written to me asking where can they pick up guys (well, some asked the question differently - where can guys pick them up?). Men too have asked a similar question that I will address in a different article. In this article, let me provide a strategic overview for women on how to pick up men or even better, be picked up by men.

1. Go where the men are. Now you might be thinking that bars are places to go. Wrong! The bars have been pick up spots for so long that they have been hijacked by morons. So if you want to attract sporty men, you need to go to sports events (even if you hate them). If you want to attract men with lots of money, sign up for golf lessons. To attract the artsy type, you need to be where the artists are - museums, galleries, cafes, etc.
2. Don't play hard to get or have a "leave me alone" attitude. If you want a man to approach you, better have a pleasant demeanor that doesn't scare anyone off. It is OK to be mysterious and flirtatious to intrigue him but each step should lead him closer to you rather than turn him away.
3. It is fine to take control of the situation (or at least give solid hints) if the guy doesn't get it. For instance, if you are ready to kiss and he doesn't get it, go whisper something into his ear. He will then recognize that the light is green for him to make a move. If you want to pet, tell him that you are cold and need to go inside the car.

Recommended link: How to conquer shyness?

How to be nice to women?

Yes, dear men. You have to learn to be nice to women in your life not only because you are providing the women with an excuse to find a loving relationship with someone else but also because that is what brings joys to both of you.

Let me share a story with you. Neil and Mary are a couple in their 60s and live in London. I have known them for a couple of years and consider them to be good friends. We both share something in common - a link with Japan. I have lived in Japan while Neil and Mary host Japanese students in their home so that they can learn English. Mind you, they have yet to go to Japan but they seem to have learned a lot about Japan from spending months with their Japanese students.

Apart from dozens of stories that the couple shares with me, I was rather surprised hear this one from them:

"Yet another cute daughter of the great land of Japan, unhappy with her life, but not knowing quite what to do about it. My God, Japanese guys really don't seem to appreciate their womenfolk, if my students are anything to go by. I find them so sweet, cute, and likeable and I invariably start falling in love around the third day onwards!

It's difficult to report precisely what she said as a lot of it was done by little gestures, a pull of the mouth, helpless wave of the hand - typical indirect, subtle yet moving account of her emotional state of mind. She also had great dignity. She cried in response to my questions:

• Does your boss ever say you do a good job?
• Do your parents ever show you affection; say how much they appreciate you?
• Does your husband ever tell you you're beautiful?

The answer was a simple 'No, never!' followed by tears. I reached over and put my hand over hers. She slowly pulled hers away. I went and got tissues; she thanked me dabbing at her eyes. When we parted at the station we hugged and I kissed her hair. A few days later, a simple email thanking me and Mary for a wonderful time and promising to return to spend a holiday with us next year."

Based on my experiences dealing with dozens of couples, I know that this is not something that is happening in Japan alone. In fact it is happening right here in America where we consider ourselves to have the best family values in the world and family is everything. If you want to know what real America is like, take a look at "Desperate Housewives."

So how can you be nice to women?

1. Listen, listen, and listen. Yes, you might be saying that women talk too much. The bottom line, though, is that men still do not listen enough. Notice the improvement in your relationship once you start to listen.
2. Praise them even when there is no reason to. And praise them a lot when there is a reason and make it genuine. Women expect praise from men around them and it may be something that is simple, like her nail-polish.
3. Forget your performance in bed. They value hugs and cuddling more than anything else. Give those more often and you will become a darling in no time.

Recommended article: How to be a bold and charming man?

Adjustment of status passport stamping process

Let me restate that I am no immigration attorney but I did write a few articles on this subject simply because I had some personal experience/insights (How to sponsor your spouse for a green card, How to prepare for the American citizenship interview and the actual interview process, How to file an application for US citizenship without an attorney, and how to hire an attorney when you have to). This morning I heard from Satish who read some of my articles. He writes, "I found your information really useful since it is real and anyone can use that information to get some peace of mind. By the way, I was doing some more research on the subject of getting a stamp in your passport once someone's petition for adjustment of status (I-485) has been approved. I could not find any good information at all so I am going to share my experience. I will appreciate if you could publish it." So here it is, in Satish's own words:

"Once you apply for a green card, you are essentially trying to adjust your status in the United States (using the form I485). If your application is approved, the USCIS (formerly INS or BCIS) does not issue you a so-called "green card" (I-551) right away. Instead, they first put a stamp in your passport that is as good as a green card. To do that you need to go to the nearest USCIS local office.

The approval letter from the USCIS will have a lot of the information but since the USCIS prefers to finish all the stuff that it has in stock before it starts to use new forms, it will often send you outdated information. That is why it is important to check the USCIS website and do some more research on the Internet. That is how I developed the list of what I had to bring to the local office (unexpired passport, I-94 card, original approval notice, EAD card, advance parole document, and photos). I made an appointment using the Infopass system and printed the confirmation. I arranged everything neatly in one folder and lined up in a separate line at the Boston office.

You have to wait till the security officer lets you inside and then you speak to a receptionist. You should tell her/him that you are there to get a stamp in your passport and show him your I-485 approval notice. S/he will immediately give you a number and write down on your appointment letter that you need to now get outside of the mail hall and go to a counter where you will ask for form I-89. The person at this counter will know exactly what you need. All you do there is to sign in two places and put your fingerprint the old-fashioned way (using ink). Then the wait begins so bring something to read or listen to though they have a TV which for some reason is tuned to FOX (A station that I absolutely hate. I thought they would have something that was non-partisan.).

When your wait number appears on the display, be close to the front area so that you can quickly go to the officer. Greet the officer and giver her/him the complete folder. Remember these officers are in a hurry and love it when someone has taken the time to get ready for the appointment. Don't search for any document at the last minute. If you have followed the instructions, you will be in great shape. The officer might ask you if you have the correct address in your approval notice (your actual card will be mailed to this address) or if you have other family members accompanying you for a stamp. S/he will then put the stamp and explain to you that you are all set and your card will arrive in the mail.

Other than thanking the officer, there is no reason for you to ask her/him complex questions. While these folks are nice, their job is not to answer complex immigration related questions on the counter. You must contact an attorney or call the USCIS or better still, just do some research on the web. Plus, by asking too many irrelevant questions (remember your appointment is only for getting a stamp, not for asking questions), you are inconveniencing other applicants who may have been waiting for a while for their turn.

From the exact time of our appointment to the moment we got done, it took us about 100 minutes. Overall, it was a non-event, the stamp is nothing impressive, and the overall experience was nothing to talk about. So it was somewhat of an anti-climax but when I was done, I was delighted to be a lawful permanent resident (LPR) of the United States."

Tips on lesbian dating

One of the challenges of dating for gay and lesbian people is that first you have to make sure that the person you like has the same lifestyle as you do. Believe me, it can be a bigger challenge than you thank. For heterosexual men and women, anyone of the opposite sex is a potential mate. For lesbians (I will focus only on lesbians in this article since it arose out of a discussion that focused on them but the points are equally valid for gays too), they have to either confirm that the woman that they are attracted to is a lesbian or at least has an inclination.

Sarah, who believe it or not, lives in Singapore, has written to me a couple of times. She is attracted to her professor who has not yet shown any romantic interest in her though she has always maintained more than professorial interest in her through her gestures. Sarah has tried to approach her but has always been politely turned away. While rejection of her earlier efforts have discouraged Sarah from trying again but has not reduced her desire for her professor at all.

Here are few tips for lesbians in such cases:

• A professor or a supervisor may be bit apprehensive about coming across as someone who is too friendly with a student or subordinate. Several institutions have policies that clearly outline what is acceptable and not acceptable and they can also be accused of harassment. It is also common among teachers and supervisors to give equal treatment to all students/subordinates so that they are not accused of being partial or unfair.
• When one needs to find love, one has to be aggressive and not be afraid of rejection. No one ever found love without being rejected a dozen times. The rule is simple: if you don't ask, you rarely get anything. So pick up the courage and ask her out. If she rejects you we will know for sure that she was not a good target in the first place. You can then work on another target.
• If the object of your desire is neither a lesbian nor even curious about it, she might just be uncomfortable with you approaching her. I think that is perfectly fair and in that case you will have to respect her wishes and leave her alone.

Recommended article: How to approach the woman of your dreams?

What is a good time to break up?

As Oprah recently pointed on an episode focusing on the private lives of couples in the suburbs of America, the meaning of marriage is changing. Gone are the days when one has to be married for financial support or for respect in the society. Except for rural America and some conservatives, most Americans are intelligent enough not to judge a person by her/his marital status (how can they with 50% divorce rate). Or in other words, marriage as a meaningful institution is on its slow demise which will be expedited with efforts by some to ban marriages by people who actually genuinely want to get married (i.e. gays).

So why are some people still married? Reasons vary, but in my opinion, many couples are simply stuck. The way some people hate their jobs, bitch about it every day, and still do nothing, the same is true for marriages of many couples. Let us take a look at a case cited by Mari, "What I can't figure out is how does one know when it is time to leave. I have a good friend that has not slept with his wife for seven years. They don't speak to each other or argue. He has his own set of friends and she has hers. He wants to leave and he says he feels sorry for her. She, on the other hand, won't do anything in the house. Just stays on the phone with a relative on the east coast. She just keeps getting fatter and they hate each other, but pretend that they don't. I have said all the things in the article, and told him to be nice. Try to do things that he knows she will like and make her feel better about herself. So when is it time to just say this isn't working. We have one life and it is short. I don't even feel good about encouraging him to stay anymore." (Related article: Story of a couple who don't know how to deal with ED)

When is a good time to breakup? (Related article: Clean breakup techniques)

• When you no longer feel physically or emotionally (or both) attracted to your partner
• When you feel that being with your partner is painful
• When love is one-sided
• When you stop talking about your future together
• When you find that your partner no longer understands you or your needs
• When you realize that you need to find elsewhere what you should find from your partner (e.g. physical intimacy)

Now I am not suggesting that we should end our relationship as soon as we can. On the contrary, we should do our best to make it work, and if possible, get help from a professional marriage counselor. In my opinion, the #1 thing that is difficult to find in America is a good relationship; so do what you can to have one. (Related article: When should you break up?)

Recommended article: How to move on after breakup?

How to get a Japanese girlfriend?

This is still the most popular question that I am asked though in recent months I have seen a surge in questions related to Indian women as many Americans travel to India and want to find out how to date an Indian woman.

Getting back to Japanese women (Related article: Tips and ideas on dating a Japanese), there are many theories out there and one of them definitely works for most men. Rather than discussing all of them here, I have been told many times and I have experienced this myself when I lived in Japan that Japanese women are definitely intrigued by a gaijin (or foreigner). Sometimes, just not being a Japanese can be a good way to start a relationship.

Yesterday, however, I heard from Hugo, a Japanese-Canadian. He says, "I don't think most Japanese women have a "preference" for gaijin - which is erroneously considered to be a term related to white people (it fits for ALL foreigners, not just those with pasty white skin). It is their fascination for English-speaking individuals (or at least, that is my perception). When I was studying Japanese (mind you, I am an Asian-Canadian, of Japanese descent), Japanese women were interested in me as I spoke English, but looked Japanese (I guess a Nihonjin that spoke like a gaijin, who could teach them colloquial English, the best of both worlds, someone they could take home to their parents and not make anyone lose face because she brought home a HAKU-JIN!!!! Anyway, I'm now married to a "gaijin" from the United States but that is because of the community that I was brought up in. I related more to the white-society than Asian being the only Asian in a school that was 2150 students large, population wise. Ultimately a relationship with a woman all depends on how you act. If you have confidence in yourself, women, no matter what the race, will see that and be attracted to you. Women appreciate someone with self-confidence, tact, and the ability to treat her as a human being, not as a possession."

I think you can disagree with some of the things that Hugo is talking about but what you can not argue with are the attributes that he talks about that any man needs to succeed with women: self-confidence, tact, and respect for women. Keep these three things in mind and there is no reason why you should not succeed with women.

Recommended article: Experiences with a Japanese girlfriend

How can couples deal with ED?

Kay is a good friend of mine for over seven years now, and while not important, we have never met. I ran into her at a bulletin board in 1997 and since then we have become great friends. We email each other all the time, exchange photos, and even chat on the phone or instant messenger. We might meet some day. As you can guess, we know a lot about each other and one of the things that she tells me is her private life, or should I say the lack of it.

Kay and her husband are intimate a few times a year. In fact when I talked to her last night and we just started to tease each other, she told me that she can not even recall when was the last time they did it (she guessed it has been several months now). She thinks her husband is otherwise a wonderful man and has everything else that a good husband should have; he just cannot be intimate with her because of what she thinks is ED. They have never seen a physician and it is something that they never seem to talk about as a couple. Surprisingly enough, she can tell me this but not her own husband because she does not want to make him feel bad. Mind you she is only 40, and as one friend of her advised her, has her whole life ahead of her. Many friends who know this ask her to get a divorce, which she does not want to even though she makes a good living as a piano teacher for kids.

I have been asking her to sit down with her husband and convince him to see a doctor. Even if he has ED, there is now a cure for it. Maybe he doesn't; in that case the treatment may be very simple. She and I have discussed possibility of having a "boyfriend", someone who will give her what she needs, but with no chance of a long-term relationship. She likes the idea but is not sure how to find one - someone who will do what she needs but without the complications. I approve of it though it is such a gray area. (Related article: Adultery acceptable sometimes)

Advice to couples when they suspect that ED is an issue

1. Talk to each other as two mature people. While you have rights in a relationship, you have obligations and duties too and satisfying your partner is an important one. If you cannot, you need to discuss what is the best way to deal with it.
2. See a doctor and a therapist. There is help available, so seek it.
3. Life is short, so enjoy it. Problems will not go away just because you do not deal with them. You have no right to make your partner's life miserable.

Recommended article: Tips for couples on a satisfying relationship

Harry Potter for grownups

It seems like ages that I heard Harry Potter's name. Since I do not have any kids, I did not bother much, though I was intrigued how J.K. Rawlings could become a billionaire by writing these books. She must be doing something right, I thought.

I continued to ignore Harry Potter commotion until I ended up watching Lord of the Rings movies. I was fascinated. It was like the inner child that was sleeping inside for years had woken up. For someone approaching 40, that was somewhat uncomfortable, but for several weeks after watching the movie, I kept thinking of my childhood, all the stories that I read or the ones that my grandma told me, and the realization dawned upon me that I did indeed like fantasies. It did not take me too long to grab the Harry Potter DVD and watch it.

What did I learn from Harry Potter?

• Never let your inner child die. It is the source for most inspiration and imagination. It is only the inner child that can guide you to do the impossible.
• No matter how old you are, it is good to be imaginative. Watching a fantasy movie or reading a fantasy book is a great way to keep your imagination skills sharp.
• Don't ignore something just because it is controversial. Everyone has a right to believe whatever they want and people do not have to watch something if they do not want to but that does not mean that you should simply be guided by what others think. See for yourself. I have no personal opinion on witchcraft but I watched both Harry Potter and Hayao Miyazaki's Kiki's Delivery Service as works of fiction.
• Harry Potter is very engaging with powerful characters that are extremely rich in detail. So enjoy this fast-moving drama and learn from it.

Related article: Message for grownups from Shrek 2

Shrek 2 lessons for grownups

Let me disclose that I am no fan of movies and definitely not the best person to review movies but I want to take some time to discuss a couple of movies that I have watched recently. Let us start off by talking of Shrek 2.

It has only been just a few years that I have developed a taste for animation movies (though I did watch anime for many years). And I did not plan to watch Shrek 2 but picked it up at Blockbuster since they had a 99 cents promotion going on. And I am glad I did.

While Shrek 2 is no Finding Nemo in terms of messages for grown-ups, it still had a few very profound messages:

• What a terrible idea it is to stereotype people! When we stereotype we are closing our minds and relying on the opinion of others. So open your minds and give everyone a chance to prove themselves even if it means that you are proved wrong. To say that ogres, or anyone else, are somehow bad is just not right.
• Don't judge people by their external appearance. It's what is inside that counts. An ogre may not be pretty, but could have a heart of gold.
• You are not at your best when you are not real. So don't try to be what you are not. Not only will you be uncomfortable living such a life, others will not like it either. Be genuine all the time. Remember what Princess Fiona did? She wanted to spend her life with an ogre not a fake prince.

Related article: It is OK to fake some times

What women want in a man physically?

This is a question that is very often asked by men and they always seem to have the wrong answer. There are too many myths out there about what women want. Based on my extensive discussions with women and research conducted by MYNIPPON, here are some thing that men have to know:

1. Most women do not seek studs or hunks. They want a friend who also happens to be just good-looking.
2. Women value your education and professional/personal success more than how much money you have in the bank.
3. Women hate obese men or those totally out of shape even if they are themselves not in shape. So you do not have to go nuts by camping in the gym but exercise regularly and maintain a healthy weight.
4. They don't care about your clothes as much as they care about your style. So it is not how much money you spend shopping; it is what you buy and how you wear it.
5. Hygiene and cleanliness is key. They dislike sloppy men.

Related articles:

What do women want?

Men have to find out what women want

Communication problems among couples

If you don't satisfy her, someone else will

Adultery creates complications

I have been working with a couple for quite some time now. Just to give you a little background, Bunny and Kevin are colleagues. Kevin is married but has never had a good relationship with any woman so far. He was abused as a child and he does not know for sure what he wants from a woman. The kind of women he has married are not the ones he like and the kind he likes don't want to marry him. So he is essentially stuck in totally dysfunctional relationships. Bunny is simply an angel who has been helping him become normal again and move on with his life. She has given him what anyone else in Kevin's life has never given him. I have often warned Bunny that she will turn out to to be the biggest loser in this effort since she will be left all alone when Kevin pulls his life together. It will be a great act of charity and kindness but they are both operating in a a gray area. Bunny wants to help him and is willing to make the sacrifice.

Below is the update I received from Bunny this week:

"During the past weeks it seems Kevin and I have become closer. It seems we try to find a way to keep us together and yet keep his marriage together. We have talked and read scriptures and scriptural references regularly. While keeping in mind that we are attempting to do what is right, this and just about everything we do or don't do draws us closer. He says that I know everything about him and I still care for him and we have the same natural spontaneous draw toward each other. He says he feels complete when we are together. We feel that when we part, our hearts are removed from us.

We still have not had a normal intimate experience in a bed and allowed ourselves to give completely to each other. We want this but we also agree that it is impossible to give completely when he has a spouse. We have talked about being together periodically, once every few weeks, for a 99% experience or to the fullest extent we feel we can give to each other. He says he also fears it or anything which will bring us closer because he is afraid he will then leave his wife. He carries guilt home with him and would like to be able to tell her to relieve himself of the guilt and the lie he feels he lives at home but he doesn't want her to discover any of this because he doesn't want to hurt her and says she wouldn't understand and love him still the way I do and his marriage would be over. I think he has some residual love for her, is also afraid of failure, and of being alone. I reminded him that they need to seek help for their problems and make efforts if he wants it to work. So he has mentioned counseling to her and told her that if things don't change, the marriage will end but they still have not sought counseling. I asked him that if being involved with me was alright with God, would he continue to be with me and still be married and he immediately agreed that he would. I also have made it clear to him that I don't like being in the dark -- that I would want to know so that I could make fully informed decisions - in other words, I wouldn't want to be left in the dark as his wife is. If I see he is closing and suppressing, I keep talking things out with him that we need to understand and work through. Communication always seems to help us.

Because he fears getting any closer to me, this week we have cried quite a bit and he has said that he needs to try to give his marriage 100 percent to see if he can make it work and he cannot work on his marriage and think of me also. He doesn't want me to be alone but yet he wants me to be there in the case he is not able to work things out at home. He doesn't think the two of them could ever have the same kind of relationship that he and I have. He says things like every time he passes my office he wants to come in and hug and kiss me and just stay there all day. He can't think about work - I can't think about work. So he has begun purging reminders of me from his work space and apparently is closing and suppressing again in an attempt to focus on the marriage. His wife bought him a new wedding band last weekend and this seems to be very upsetting to him. Even after the ring he said that a couple of days this week he came very close to going home and telling her he wants a divorce."

This is what I think that Bunny and Kevin should do going forward:

• It seems that giving each other 99% and then feeling that you have deprived yourself of something does not seem right. Just go ahead with 100%. Ethically, it does not matter.
• Kevin needs to make up his mind about what he wants. He seems to want it all - not hurt his spouse but also tying himself to Bunny. Bunny has done a lot for him but a time has to come when Kevin has to let her go or let his wife go. A marriage that is based on pity for his wife is not a marriage. Yes, it will be painful to end the relationship but it seems that the marriage is probably dysfunctional any way. By cutting the cord with his current spouse, he can free himself and her. It is probably best for all. And he does not have to be mean if all he means good. Not only can they have an amicable separation, they can also be friends for life.
• Bunny has done an admirable act of kindness but maybe she is sacrificing more than she needs to. She has to start asking for what is her due. If she thinks that Kevin is the man for her, she needs to act on that. If she wants to continue to do her charity work for Kevin, she needs to figure out what she will do once Kevin has no need for her.

Recommended article: Adultery acceptable sometimes

Challenges of dating mature women

We have to agree that ours is still a male-dominated society despite the tremendous progress that women have made in some areas. A recent example is that of Aleta St. James, the lady who had two kids at the age of 57. When a man fathers children at that age, nothing happens. When a woman does that, it creates chaos. The same is true when it comes to dating by mature women. When they go find a man older than them, people congratulate them on their relationship. But if the guy is a young man in his 20s, it is considered to be unacceptable and even scandalous. (Related article: Mature women date younger men)

So it is no wonder that men when they are in a relationship with a mature woman just don't always feel "normal". Look what Justin writes, "I'm 22 and I'm dating a 36 year old woman. I love her a lot. I've told my friends, but not my family. I live at home still and she lives on her own and has a steady job. She loves me too and wants to be with me. I know people think this is weird, but how I look at it differently. I'm learning a lot from her too. She is great in bed and she makes me feel like a real man."

If Justin is so satisfied with his relationship with an older woman, why doesn't he have the guts to go tell his parents and introduce his sweetheart to them with pride. The society is not ready for such relationships. So while young men do support their mature lovers, there is a lot of work remaining to be done. We need to open our minds to let people date based on affinity and compatibility rather than getting bogged down with numbers.

Online dating and marriage across borders

Meeting a man or a woman online and eventually marrying someone is no big deal any more. May be eHarmony should even stop talking about it because it no longer has that Wow factor. What still has some Wow factor though is meeting and marrying someone from thousands of miles away.

So it was interesting when I ran into Tanya. I was waiting for my wife to try on some clothes at the new Zara store on Fifth Avenue in New York City. When the girl, who was handing out tags and restocking the clothes, smiled at me, I said Hi and just asked her about how long the store has been around and what she thought of the clothes there. Since she had an accent and spoke English rather slowly, I assumed that she might have be an employee at the Zara headquarters in Spain. Well, she said that she was an American but grew up in the Dominican Republic. Only recently she has moved to New York with her Argentinean husband whom she met online.

That is when it got really interesting for me and I found out more. She published her online profile on an online dating website and to her surprise, she heard from a lot of men (I was not surprised to hear that since she is extremely pretty) who were not in the Dominican Republic. And as they say, the rest is history. The couple tried to build a future in Argentina but the poor economy had little hope for them. So, though they both don't seem to speak a lot of English, she is back in her mother land to pursue a dream.

I continue to be amazed how online dating is shrinking the world. A couple that has their roots in three countries now!

Hong Kong fashion trade show

When it comes to learning more about what is happening in the world of fashion, there is no better way than to actually see it with your own eyes. While I read all kinds of magazines (both in print and online) and watch plenty of Style Channel (and such other channels when they have fashion programs), there is no substitute for showing up at a fashion show and that too in Europe or Asia. Not that fashion shows in New York are not exciting enough, but what you see in Europe or Asia is totally different.

So that is why I recommend a trip to exciting Hong Kong. And attending the Hong Kong fashion trade show. Everyone knows that when it comes to fashion in Asia, Tokyo and Hong Kong are the places to go. Of course, there are other second-tier cities: Singapore, Bangkok, Seoul, Taipei, Bombay, and Beijing, but nothing beats Hong Kong and Tokyo.

It is expected that over 300 fashion brands will converge there. As always, the fair will offer a string of catwalk shows, talks, and seminars to buyers. A total of 16 catwalk parades are scheduled from January 18 - 21, 2005, meeting the most discerning tastes of buyers, to name just a few here, the World Boutique Opening Parade, a competition show ~ Hong Kong Young Fashion Designers' Contest and Award Presentation, New Design Force Fashion Parade, Style HK Magazines - Young Designers' Alumni, coupled with a number of house shows from different individual brands or designers.

Related link: MYNIPPON fashion and style

How to be fashion conscious?

This weekend I organized a party at our home. We were thinking of doing something over the summer but we just were too busy. We invited 7 couples mostly in their 30s (children were not invited) and we included two Japanese girls from Showa Boston University (the US campus of Showa University in Tokyo; we act as a local host family for two students each year). While we did not have a very strict dress code but we indicated that it was a formal event and we wanted people to dress up.

I think we learned a few things from the party. Americans, particularly men, have to start being more fashion conscious. Either two men did not read the invitation carefully or didn't care, they were very casually dressed (jeans, sneakers, etc.). One woman wore what my wife might wear while cleaning the house during the weekend. Guess who was the most elegantly and stylishly dressed? Our students from Japan. These two young ladies (they are 21 years old) had the perfect black dress with designer handbags and really cute sandals. They had their hair done and the makeup was just right for a formal dinner.

How can you be more fashion conscious?

1. Dress appropriately for the occasion. What you wear to work in your yard should not be used to go to the mall or to a dinner event.
2. If in doubt, it is better to be over-dressed rather than under-dressed.
3. For dinner events, few things should always be remembered: appropriate footwear (dress shoes for men and shoes/sandals for women), no jeans (unless it is something very trendy and goes really well with an outfit), no tee-shirts (unless it is a designer tee worn with a formal jacket), and give yourself a finishing touch by using the right accessories and using appropriate makeup, etc.
4. If you are confused by what the host means by the dress code guideline or has not given any information about the dress code, ask when you confirm attendance. That way you will not embarrass your host or yourself.
5. Finally, being fashion conscious attracts more people. So whether you want a date or are already married and looking to make new friends or someone who is just interested in networking for finding a job or their next client/customer, it pays to dress. No matter how much you disagree with superficial appearance, the fact is that you will be judged by others based on how you look.

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Makeovers are not just losing weight

Ivana contacted me in May and one of the things that we agreed on was that she needed to lose weight in order to do something about her life. She weighed over 200 lbs and that was not only a health issue, it was also making her difficult to find a meaningful relationship. I am no weight loss expert but I shared with her things that work for me without ever consulting with a weight loss expert - regular exercise, low calorie diet (lots of fruits and vegetables, fibers, fewer carbohydrates, water, red wine, rarely a dessert or deep fried dish or meat), and an active lifestyle (I walk when I can rather than use the phone and prefer stairs over an elevator or escalator). Well she followed my advice, signed up with Diets.com, joined a gym, and sought the help of a nutritionist in redesigning her diet. (Related article: Lose weight and have fun too)

The result was remarkable: She lost 65 lbs in six months and she tells me that she feels great about her body. But read what else she writes, "I am glad that I lost the excess weight and the fact that I accomplished what seemed like an impossible goal, what disappoints me is that my life is still the same. In fact some people even tell me that I look sick, my face looks pale, and I lack that personality that I used to have."

What has happened to Ivana is not uncommon. Remember the old saying about the journey being more exciting than the destination. That is what Ivana is going through as well. Weight loss (or for that matter any other one thing) is just one step in life transformation. The way you can not change your life completely by losing weight or changing your wardrobe, you also cannot stop the change by telling yourself that you have arrived at the destination. What you really need is a complete makeover to notice the change. So if you are in a situation like Ivana, here are some thoughts:

• Life is a never-ending journey. It was never meant to be a destination.
• When you want to change your life, you have to change everything that deserves a change - be it your appearance or your style or your attitude.
• Weight loss is generally very helpful in making us look better and younger, but it also produces short-term "pain". The body takes time to adjust to a different lifestyle and that may make you look worn out and weak. You will have extra skin in many parts. Your clothes wouldn't fit you. Even worse, people who are used to seeing you fat will actually not like you new you. What that means is that you will need to develop a new style that suits your body better. Plus, a new attitude that fits a person who looks much younger now.
• If you feel a sense of emptiness inside you, it is not surprising. Whenever we put all our energy into one thing and then achieve it, we feel that we no longer have a purpose or life has no meaning any more. So find something else that can generate the same kind of enthusiasm in you. And this time, you can pick something that is not so harsh on you. Think about acquiring a new hobby or learning a new skill.

Recommended article: Makeovers for women after 40

Sponsor spouse for green card

With the rise in number of relationships that started online, there are also greater number of instances of people falling in love with someone who is not in the United States. So when it is time to tie the knot, the next step is bring your fiance/spouse to the United States. Let me just describe how you can sponsor your spouse for a green card (lawful permanent residency or LPR) without using an attorney.

Being a US citizen has many advantages. While of course you can sponsor your spouse (and other family members) for a green card, the USCIS (formerly INS) does not give as much a hard time as it does to the immigrants.

How to sponsor your spouse?

1. I am assuming that you have good command over English, and are educated enough to make sense of documents that are not necessarily very legal but can be somewhat tricky. Plus, I am also assuming that neither you nor your spouse have any complications. This advice works best for simple, straightforward cases. For doubtful cases, it is best to consult an attorney (Related article: How to hire an attorney?)
2. Visit the USCIS website. I will not list what forms you need to fill or what you need to do since the information can become outdated. The best resource for latest information is the USCIS website.
3. Check if you meet all the criteria, particularly the income criteria.
4. Print the forms and instructions and fill the forms by hand using all the supporting documents that you will need.
5. Once a friend or family member has checked the forms then do the final version either online by completing a fillable form or completing by hand.
6. Now put together a packet with all the forms documents neatly arranged in one pile.
7. Let a friend/family member go over everything to make sure that you did not miss anything.
8. Do everything that the USCIS says. There is no need to be creative or to argue that some thing does not make sense. It will only make life difficult for you, not the USCIS. The bureaucrats at any government agency love it when you follow instructions religiously.
9. If in doubt, do a search on the USCIS website or do a Google search, and if you still don't find the answer, give a call to USCIS. The staff, though not always experts in answering complicated questions, are still quite knowledgeable and helpful. You can also use the help of volunteers and voluntary organizations.
10. When you think you are ready, send the packet to the address suggested by USCIS.

What happens next?

1. Just wait for instructions from USCIS and do what you are told.
2. When you are invited for an interview, bring solid evidence of your marriage to prove to an officer that your marriage is not a fraud. Original marriage certificate, taxes filed together, joint ownership of assets, photographs, etc. are sufficient evidence in most cases. If you have a genuine marriage, there is nothing to fear.
3. If everything is in order, you will walk out of the interview room with a stamp in your spouse's passport which is as good as a green card, which will arrive later in the mail.

US citizenship interview preparation and actual interview

If you followed my advice on filing an application for American citizenship without using an attorney, you will get an appointment for a fingerprint (which basically requires you to show up and get your fingerprint) and later on an appointment for an interview.

How to prepare for the naturalization interview?

• I am assuming that your English is good enough since you are reading this article. Generally speaking, you need to know even less English than that. If you can have a casual conversation with an English speaking person, write a few simple words, and read some English, you are in good shape. If you have an accent, don't worry.
• Download the guide for questions asked during the interview and make sure that you know all the answers. Study and practice. Some answers are pretty obvious if you read the newspaper and watch television. Some are a bit difficult, especially those pertaining to history and constitution. Memorize them and also do some research to understand a bit more about them (you don't need to know more than what is in the list of questions but I have found that rather than just memorizing the names of a few players involved in the Declaration of Independence, it is a good idea to understand some context and you will then never forget it).
• Get all your documents ready in one file neatly organized with dividers so if the officer asks you for your tax returns you don't have to look through three hundred pages to find the tax return for 1999. If they are all marked, you will be able to pull it out in no time and will not get nervous.
• Prepare an outfit for the interview. You can wear whatever you want based on your cultural origins or religious beliefs but the rule of thumb is to wear something that you would use in a formal or business setting. No need for anything flashy or expensive. All you need is a clean, professional outfit. The way I like to say it is that it should be something that will not make you stand out and the officer wouldn't even notice it.

The day of the interview

• Arrive ahead of time; you don't want to get lost or be late. Bring something to read (it is not a good idea to study for the test there since it is expected that you have already prepared well and last minute study only makes you more nervous) and a small snack with water is also a good idea since you may have to wait a while. Don't bring children and forget the cell phone.
• Almost all officers are very pleasant and professional and have no reason to give you a hard time if your case is straightforward and you show them the courtesy that they rightfully deserve. Be truthful and honest. Ask the officer to repeat the question if you don't understand something or to even re-phrase it. You can also give a long answer to a question that would otherwise be a simple yes/no answer to make sure that you say what is really the case no matter how the question is asked.
• If you do all of this and your case was otherwise clear, you will either be administered the oath right there or given an appointment for the swearing-in ceremony.

American citizenship application without an attorney

If you are eligible to become a US citizen, it is easy to file your application yourself without using an attorney. Depending on where you are and what kind of attorney you end up approaching, you might save hundreds or even thousands of dollars.

This advice assumes that you have a reasonable command of English, you are educated enough to fully understand documents that are written in English (but can sometimes come across as a big legal), and you have had a "clean" record. Remember that while hiring a lawyer does not guarantee that you will have no problems (I know of lawyers who have committed mistakes in all kinds of situations), but having a law firm working for you sometimes can give you peace of mind (though I often wonder if it is worth the thousands of dollars that they charge)

How to start?

1. Add the USCIS (formerly INS) website to your favorites. What I mean is that spend enough time reading what they have there because that is the latest information. Your lawyer will also go there to find information for your case.
2. Believe it or not, but the USCIS website is quite user-friendly. You can basically find out the complete process to become a US citizen and download forms (or even better, fill them online using a fillable form, if available for some cases).
3. Also do some research by looking at websites of law firms which you can also find by doing some Google searches. You will end up on several websites that have excellent explanations or specific cases discussed. Chances are that you will also end up on many bulletin boards that give helpful information. But be careful of taking everything that you read on the Internet as the ultimate truth. The final word should still be the one on the USCIS website.

How to complete the application?

1. Print relevant applications and instructions from the USCIS website.
2. Organize all the relevant background information that you will need, e.g., trips made, employment record, etc. Now sit down in a quiet place and fill the application by hand. This will be your rough draft.
3. Have a friend/family member review the rough draft with you so that you are sure that you got everything right.
4. Now you can complete the application online by typing it in a fillable form on the USCIS website. Print a copy and once again have a friend/family member review it so that you have everything right.
5. Attach everything that the USCIS has asked for (not more, not less) and please follow the instructions religiously. Then make a photocopy of the complete set and mail the original to the address advised by USCIS.
6. If all goes well, you will receive an acknowledgement from the USCIS.

How to hire an attorney?

Yesterday, we went to New York City because we needed to hire an attorney for some legal work. My wife had known an attorney for about 12 years because at one time she had helped her with a legal matter. Over the years, she would go consult her if there was a legal issue that she needed some advice on. The attorney did not charge earlier anything for a brief chat though during last couple of years she charged just $50 for answering some basic questions. In fact she was so good that even if you did not hire her, she would not decline to see you next time. In many cases, she would even suggest how you could do something on your own.

So when we showed up this time to see her, they had moved to another building and we did not make much of it. But when we showed up in the lobby, the name of the law firm was different. When we spoke to the receptionist, she explained that two firms had merged, which was fine by us. But as we were speaking to the receptionist, there was this man (dressed in a suit) who was listening carefully to us. We didn't bother because we were there to see Maria, our attorney. Even before we could realize, he jumped into the conversation and asked us to join him so that he could get some basic information before we went to see Maria.

As soon as we sat down in the small conference room, my wife and I soon realized that we were with a used-car-salesman-turned-attorney. They guy wanted us to hire him right away, pay a deposit of $100 just to get started, and then pay him $3,000 for the whole case. We understood that the fee structure was within the prevailing fee structure for such cases but what really turned us off was his sales approach. Of course, we never hired him.

Tips on hiring an attorney

• Seek a personal reference even if it is from a stranger (so it is not a bad idea to surf the Internet to find an attorney).
• Don't get pushed to agree to do something just because the attorney terrorizes you either by selling too hard or by making you feel that your case is too complicated and only he can 'save' you.
• If you don't know what to do, ask for time to think, come back and do some research for the attorney/firm, and unless you are positive that s/he is the best attorney on the planet for you, keep looking. There are many good attorneys out there; you just have to find them.
• You don't need an attorney for many things. If you are willing to do some hard work yourself, you can save thousands of dollars.

Women's feelings when they date younger men

As many of you know, I have been a big proponent of dating and relationships without any age barriers (Related article: Mature women date younger men). In my extensive discussions with couples, I have found that age has much less to do with wide age gap than is generally believed.

It was interesting, therefore, to have someone very close to me undergo this experience. I am always advising perfect strangers on how to succeed in their relationships if one of the partners is much younger but it was a totally new experience to have someone come and stay with us for two weeks. A family member, Jolly, 37, is undergoing a nasty divorce from her husband of 15 years. The guy cheated on her and is living with his new, younger girlfriend. Jolly has three daughters, one of them a teenager. Her ex-husband has not been particularly disciplined about paying child support or in any way making life easier for her. On the other hand, he uses the kids to play nasty games and harass Jolly.

We have been helping Jolly move on and that includes some financial support. But when she gave us the news of her dating a man who is 0nly 28, my interest was more than casual in their relationship. Then, in October they visited us for two weeks. This is what I learned about a woman's feeling when she dates someone younger:

• She feels younger. Jolly was a woman who was starting to get into that mode when women dedicate their life to their family and kids and forget about themselves. No wonder so many moms actually look as if they have not gone to the spa in 20 years or taken care of themselves or gone shopping for some trendy clothes.
• She is more positive about her future. She thinks that there is still so much left to do.
• She is full of life and wants to start all over again.

I was somewhat surprised by her boyfriend, Dennis' behavior, though. I think a man is young at 28 but this guy wants to think that he is even younger than that. I think the fact that he is dating a mature woman makes him feel much younger as compared to his dating someone around his age, or even worse, someone younger than him.

I think that it is an isolated case and other men may not behave in this manner but my wife and I were somewhat turned off by the fact that he made us feel "older" despite the fact that both of us are trying to age gracefully. My wife also pointed out that she observed that Dennis was also making Jolly feel that she was "old".

Advice to men and women who are dating someone with a wide age gap

1. Age is only a number. I have met 50 year olds with the heart and curiosity of a teenager and I have met 25-year olds who have lost the zest for life.
2. It is important that you connect with people based on other important attributes like compatibility, common interests and goals, and shared vision rather than age.
3. Finally, be nice to old people. Someone you will also get old like them and you probably are already older than many.

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Welcome to the Consultant Blog by Pierre

First of all, welcome to my blog. As many of you very well, I am a consultant but I also love to write and my work is published on MYNIPPON and LuvCube. I really enjoy my work and the fact that I am able to publish my work.

Having said that, there are so many topics that I feel like writing about but they don't always fit into the structure of an excellent publication that is very targeted and has a specific objective. Having discussed this and thought about it, I am going to now start to write a blog and the folks at MYNIPPON have been very kind to allow me to use space on their server. So I get a cool address for the consultant blog or http://mynippon.net/blog

Please do write to me as I love to hear from my fans. I am looking forward to blogging.