How to heal from adultery?

Advice for a Christian woman

Summary:  A lady who has committed adultery (she knowingly had an affair with a man after she fell out of love with her husband) wrote to me looking for help. She is trying to save her marriage and is going to therapy but she feels that she does not love or desire her husband any more. She is a deeply Christian woman and that is why my recommendations are using some Christian teaching but they can be followed by anybody.  Basically, she needs to focus on her blessings and think more about others to let the healing begin.

I think if a person, specially a Christian lady, goes out with another man, there are unresolved issues inside her, so some hard work may help. Besides praying and reading inspiring books some psychological exercises may help. I will recommend that she open a “gratitude diary” and twice a day she write at least five things she is grateful for and two of those should be related to her husband (yes even a bad husband must have dozens of good things, otherwise, she would have never married him in the first place). This makes people focus on the positive side of life and it is a Christian attitude. Write all the times that she had suffered in her life, everything that she remembers that caused her pain. Go to her childhood and get it out. This is a cleansing process that starts a healing process. And there is an important part here. She may need to forgive some people and it may be difficult, but it is a mandate from God, so forgive even if it takes “fake it and fake it until you make it” and move on. When ready, burn this paper (be safe) as a symbol that the past is gone. Try to remember and write down what her dreams were when she was younger, as young as she can remember. Then analyze what has changed and what has been neglected and why. Many times we bury our dreams and unconsciously may blame others, or ourselves, very often our partner, for our dead dreams. She has to see what can be rescued from those dreams. For this, sometimes it is helpful to see old photos, diaries, notebooks etc. Try to get out of herself everyday and think of others. Do some charity, do not put all the focus on her problems. When we see the problems of the world, we understand how little our issues are. Try to focus on herself: eating right, working out, etc. Let her body talk to her. Have some fun activities with her husband and family. I love guided imagery. I started to practice it during a time when I was trying to get pregnant in my forties and I cannot believe how effective it is to get to know more about ourselves and to let out true self talk. Some of these exercise may seem silly in the beginning and they have to be done often (a couple of times a day), but they only take 1 or 2 minutes of work. I am not saying that they will definitely work but worth a try.

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