Dysfunctional relationships

Why do we have them?

The wise people are those that learn from the mistakes of others. That is why from time to time we publish stories of people who have challenges in their relationships and their lives. Here is a the story of a woman in her late forties, who has been unfortunate all her life. While she has taken some control of her life, as you will read below, there have been instances where she could have done more to take charge and pursue her happiness more aggressively.

Growing up

Childhood issues probably play a big part in my adulthood. I was the fourth child of five. The second female child (18 months difference from older sister). Two years later the youngest was born with many medical issues. My father was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was eight while he was already legally blind. I grew up in a single family, middle class neighborhood. There was only enough money for basics and very little attention was given to us children (with all the sickness in the family). In addition, my father made sexual advances toward me when I was 13. Since I was left home alone with him a lot during those years I felt I was living in constant fear. He had an angry temper toward my older siblings (not toward me...he was too sick by the time I was older). My mother was kind, worked hard and was very caring. She never spoke or showed loving gestures but took care of us with kindness. She was preoccupied with bigger issues most of the time. She is still a big part of my life and I see her weekly with loving feelings. I accept and understand the difficulties she had to face while we were children.

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Past relationships

I married my high school sweetheart (children's father). He turned out to be an alcoholic/drug addict (still is). I finally left him after 12 years of chaos. Our children have very little contact with him. A year later met another guy and had a 10 year relationship. He was unable to get along with people, spent lots of time drinking alone, and he never had a significant long term relationship. I left him because he refused to commit to a long term financial situation after living with him for 4 years and began blaming me for his unhappiness and drinking. It was time for me to create my own long term financial security and happiness. I left and bought my own home and was content.

Eight months later, ended up in my latest relationship. Yes, lots of drama from the beginning (very similar to my ex husband - only this time he was a drunk/drug addict of many years). He also had serious anger management issues and after being humiliated in public by him for years, I finally ended the relationship.

My parents instilled values, morals and ethics in all of us children. However, I'm beginning to think I should be more flexible. Maybe I expect too much from others then again maybe not enough. I probably see-saw with too many issues. How confusing would that be to a partner? I've learned to say, "I will not allow unacceptable behavior or allow my boundaries to be crossed and I will always try not to cross yours." The problem with this statement, is that I did allow unacceptable behavior and boundaries to be crossed, too many times. See what I mean, see-sawing.

What I want to do? Photo of a broken heart.

I do hope some day I can have a healthy relationship. I can enjoy being by myself, or with friends (very few now) and with family, just not today. Ultimate I truly want a life long soulmate. I want to share my life with someone special.

It is time to focus on me and my issues and I do need help. I need to understand why I choose relationships where my needs are never met. I've done some reflection, journal writing, and reading in an attempt to get more awareness. I have lots of fears, insecurity and abandonment issues which have led to codependency, communication difficulties, anger (hurt feelings), jealousy, and untrusting attitude.