If you have seen a Hollywood movie, you have a fair idea of how guys and girls meet each other.  It is much more open, the intentions are clear, and the scene reminds us of the animal world - the males and the females trying to attract each other in an open competition.  Unfortunately, the Japanese society, that does not encourage any form of competition, does not allow for this form of search for a date or a mate.  (Related article:  Experiences with Japanese women)

The search for a date or spouse in Japan is more subtle.  While in extreme cases, an omiai (a blind date) may have to be arranged by friends or family, in most cases, Japanese tend to use other, less direct means of finding love.  Of course, the entrepreneurial Japanese have creatively exploited the technology to make this matching easier and painless with no loss of face.  While using one of those "find a date" telephone lines or websites may be a taboo among some American women, Japanese women will often use these since they do not have to pay, can hang up when they want to, and can generally find a lover from the comfort of their room.  Of course, no need to worry about loss of face.  The Internet came as a big boon to the Japanese.  It is so easy to engage in this subtle search over the Internet and this aspect of the Internet is largely responsible for the rapid growth of its use in Japan.  A recent development that has further facilitated this subtle approach is the rapid penetration of i-mode.  With the push of a few buttons, you can be connected to someone who matches your profile within seconds and a date can be arranged immediately.

There are also reports that some of these techniques are being used by people of all ages.  Even married housewives and middle aged salarymen can be seen tapping their cell phones to find a lover for a quick date.  Of course, Japan has love hotels strategically located all over the country that last thing that you would need to worry about is where to go for a date. 

The scene is very simple and straightforward - The couple generally meets at a train station or at a meeting point like the Hachioji in Tokyo.  Other than exchanging a glance, there may not be much conversation.  If a meal was part of the date, they head to a restaurant.  If not, they simply rush to a love hotel, and within no time they engage in intimacy without much emotion.  Once it is over, they may not even talk about meeting again, what to say of even exchanging phone numbers.  No embarrassment caused.  No face lost.

How can the non-Japanese do it?

While a lot of gaijins dream of becoming playboys in Japan assuming that as soon as they arrive, the Japanese women will simply be carried away by their charm, the reality is absolutely the opposite.  Similarly, non-Japanese women have even harder time finding romance in Japan.  Here are a couple of things to do:

• Read the previous paragraphs again.

• Forget all the misconceptions that you had before you came to Japan (did you really believe that you will get a chance to have a good time with a geisha?)

• If you think that Roppongi is the place to find love, we wish you luck.  Yes, that is exactly right.  If you get lucky, you will.

• Learn the Japanese language as much as you can.

• Volunteer for group activities where other Japanese people are likely to be present.  Offer for free to teach your language or cooking or any other skills that you may have.

• Remember the rule - the Japanese always use subtle techniques.  The style, the approach, and the gentleness with which things are approached in Japan is just too complex for a lot of non-Japanese, especially those who have just been introduced to Japan.  Our recommendation is - Do not approach the issue directly.  It is better to suggest a visit to a museum or a tourist spot and ask the Japanese person to add value by guiding you.  Most Japanese people are kind enough to oblige you.

• Do not expect intimacy the first time.  Several non-Japanese men have created a bad image for the whole community that all the gaijins want to get into the skirts of Japanese women at the first opportunity.  You can do it only if you are subtle about it - not the crude approach that some people have taken.

• If you are a non-Japanese woman, you may be perceived as easy (a misconception that the Japanese men have from western videos).  Thus, present yourself as someone who is not desperate for intimacy but is looking for genuine romance.

• Let the Japanese person be in control.  This rule will go a long way in helping you not commit a faux-pas.  Both Japanese men and women will call you if they want to get together with you again.  Otherwise, just let it go and move on.

Garry Morgan, who has a Japanese girlfriend, sharing his experience, offers advice to non-Japanese men seeking love in Japan, "It is easy to get a girlfriend (Latino men, Japanese women), but not as easy as some may think. I have as much success with non-Japanese girls as with Japanese girls. Being Gaijin on its own is not enough. Japanese women are now much more powerful and demanding than before. You will get out what you put in. I have Japanese female friends and have found that it is true.  Japanese women are very curious about non-Japanese. This I have found is mainly due to very few foreigners in Japan. Also from personal experience, I have found that Japanese women, especially those who have traveled to other developed countries, have all experienced a non-Japanese man and demand the same attention. Several Japanese women think that non-Japanese men are much more approachable and kind. Also with there are other bad experiences that they have had with Japanese men on trains/buses, for instance, unwanted touching and some older men having all kinds of problems interacting with women in a healthy manner.

The Japanese women find themselves much more comfortable and secure with a Gaijin. We think two major elements in this are how many Gaijins do not require and demand intimacy as much as Japanese men. Foreign men are very popular at this moment in Japan as the county embraces new cultures.  The women now have more freedom to choose "Something Different."