She is single, Japanese, educated, and lives in Tokyo. She is an only child, does not want children, wants to travel, and is looking for a long-term relationship and a marriage partner according to her profile at a very popular online dating website (She has been a member for about four years and was still listed as single in her profile).  In our communications, she has always been considerate and we have done the usual things that most people in a cyber-relationship do - exchange lots of emails, send photos and talk about stupid things.  Since I was looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual, I sent her an e-mail telling her gently that I wanted to be the one to be her shoulder to lean on, hold her in my arms to make her feel safe from the crazy world we live in and that I was not playing with her heart or mind. I also closed off my profile (tips on writing your personal ad), gave her my home address and phone number to call me if she needed someone to talk to or help with something. I asked for her phone number so I could call her and her address so that I could send her flowers, gifts, etc.  I also asked her out on a date (in Tokyo - I was willing to fly there) with her friends so that we could meet face to face and so that she would feel comfortable and in public not at risk by someone she just met on the Internet. Since then three weeks have gone by and I have heard nothing. I only wanted to show her that I was going to be true to her and that my word was good and that I was trustworthy.

I have worked so hard to get my life right, a good job, and all that is missing is a woman in my life.  After meeting her I even started to dream of a traditional Japanese wedding (kimonos, sharing of sake, etc.) in Japan, and to live the rest of my life with her cultural influences in our everyday lives (if you are interested in a marriage or a long-term committed relationship, rather than casual romance, read our article on finding a spouse). I just thought that I was trying to get this relationship to be a little more real between. I am not desperate and I don't have to get married next week but I know I don't want to be alone anymore and that I have a lot to offer. It's just that the silence hurts and I think about her every day now and I want to be with her so much so that she will see face to face that I have not lied to her and that I think she is beautiful, special, that I love her, and that I know we can work this out if we only communicate. I accept the responsibilities that come with marriage, and I am not scared of making concessions or living every day with someone new. The only thing I am scared of is that for the first time in over six years I can see the end of the dream as reality not just the dream itself.

My questions are:  Should I go to Japan and tell her when I get there that I am in Tokyo?  Am I wasting my time?  Did I scare her off?  Is she trying my patience since I told her that I am not a quitter?  Am I looking desperate?  I am not desperate, I don't have to get married next week, but I do need a relationship to be real, not fantasy, and God knows I feel I would be the luckiest man in the world if we get married!  (Related: Online dating mistakes)

(1)  The fact that she has been single for 4 years after listing her profile in a popular dating website sounds strange - if you do not already know, many people these days are not really looking for serious romance when they sign up on the personals websites.  Once she does find a wonderful person like you who wants to give what she is supposedly looking for, she does not respond for 3 weeks.  A big red flag here!

(2) Japanese women (in particular) are known to break off friendships/relationships without warning and without even any hope of finding them again (even if the relationship reaches a point that you have her phone number, she will either not respond or block you or even change phone numbers - we have heard this from our members a million times).  The reason typically given is that Japanese do not like to hurt other people but for those who are not Japanese, this can be very painful and frustrating.

(3) Looks like you are more excited about her than she is - or at least at this point.  So please slow down.  We are fully convinced that it will be a big shock for her if you simply showed up in Tokyo and asked her for a date.  Well first of all, let us hope that she responds to you (and has not disappeared altogether) and if she does, then this is what you should do.  Unless you have already said that your company will never send you to Japan, make up an excuse like that - say that your company is trying to do some business in Japan and no one was available to make the trip so you offered.  Tell her your schedule and let her know that you would like to spend some time with her.  However, we are also convinced that a trip to Japan may be too early to even think about - you first need to at least speak to her over the phone a couple of times - find out if she is for 'real'.

(4) If you do not hear from her in a reasonable time period (God knows if she is seriously ill or someone in her family is ill or something else unfortunate like that has happened in the meantime) we think that you should simply forget about her - put another ad and move on with your life.  If she does come back and has a reasonable excuse for her silence, you should give her a chance since you like her a lot.  You should re-emphasize that you are in this for a serious relationship - while she has a right to take things slowly - and if she does not have similar goals you would like to know now and decide accordingly.

(5) There are dishonest and mean people every where, including Japan.  You should not make an opinion about Japanese people, or for that matter any people, based on just one bad experience.  So give other Japanese (or Asian or whoever else you fancy) a chance - hopefully love will come your way.  You sound like a good person and any woman should be proud to have someone like you.

Here is the action plan that we recommend:
A.  Send her an email that you have been waiting for an email from her for 3 weeks now and just wanted to make sure that you got them - attach a copy of the previous message.
B.  Wait for 2 more weeks and if you hear nothing, then just forget about her.
C.  Revive your personal ad (MYNIPPON advice on online dating) or whatever else you think works for you to meet new people.
D.  Rethink how you approach people on the Internet - you say that you love her without ever talking to her or seeing her in person.  While it sounds romantic, it is also unreasonable.  So much stuff on the Internet is not always 'real'.  So be careful next time.  Japanese people are simply too polite and sometimes this can be misread by others.
E.  And as you said that you are not a quitter - hope we can trust you on that one.  So don't quit - keep trying and we are positive you will find your match.

Recommended articles:  An Asian woman finds a relationship online with a man of different race

Response to online personals    Story of making friends in Japan    Japanese language friends