Japan Simplified

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Posts tagged relationships

How long should I pursue a woman before I give up?

Duncan writes, “I am completely fascinated by a woman who is much older than me.  Even though she is old enough to be my mother, she is very attractive and has this seductive quality that can drive men nuts.  She is single and despite her charm I doubt if she has any man chasing her.  Ours is a small community and most of the people know each other.  There aren’t any bars or nightclubs for singles to hang out so as far as I can tell, she is probably not having a lot of luck with guys.  In any case, there are hardly any men in her age bracket who are single.  I am sure that she still thinks of her as an attractive woman but the reality is that she is not as hot as she used to be in her 30s and 40s.  The disappointing part is that despite my best efforts in pursuing her, she has resisted me.  The harder it becomes, the more motivated I get to pursue her, but when does it become the case that I’m chasing my tail? It’s been so long now - I’m starting to wonder if she’s just seeing how long I’ll remain interested - just drip feeding me enough to keep me coming back for more.  I personally think the next 3 to 6 months will make or break this.  What do you advise?” 

You raise a very interesting possibility but this is something we often get wrong.  In my opinion the world is divided into three types of people: hopelessly romantic, moderate sexual appetite, and asexuals.

I would like to think that all teenagers or young people are always in the mood and will have sex whenever they can, but that clearly isn’t the case.  I would also like to think widows, divorced, and older people will welcome any opportunity for sex — especially with someone younger — but that is not the case either. 

What I have concluded is that sexual appetite is not related to age or relationship status; some people just are very sexual and others are not.

With that said, yes, she is much older and lot less desirable and has much fewer opportunities for running into men with potential for sex.  In addition to that, in her age bracket there are generally fewer single men and those there are typically prefer younger women.  At the same time, she is exactly at the age that women go through menopause, a very difficult time for women in the sense that the hormonal changes upset everything, all the way from mood swings to very low libido.  My conclusion is that you would like to believe that a mature woman with so few options for great sex would never deny a handsome, young stud from making love to her with all the passion that has accumulated over the years for her, the reality is that people are complex and their sexual needs/preferences are even more complicated.  

I understand your frustration and that is why trying indefinitely is a bad idea.  I totally support your plan that if something does not happen during the next 6 months, you should stop pursuing her because I know this must be emotionally draining.  If someone is rejecting you consistently for that long, you have to back off because at that point it almost sounds like stalking and harassment.  I know that we guys try to put a happy face on even an abject failure, but you will agree with me that every time we are rejected (even if the possibility was remote) it hurts.



My boyfriend left saying that he wants to rethink our relationship

Annabelle writes, “My boyfriend of five years recently decided that he needs to rethink our relationship and left for his hometown.  We did discuss some of the things that were bothering him and I thought we had a honest discussion.  I promised to make small changes but he still wanted more time to think it through.  I thought that everyone needs some space from time to time and did not create a scene before he left.  He promised to call me in a week or so and tell me about the future.  It has now been more than two weeks and he has not called.  Since I am very close to his family, his sisters have been telling me that even they asked him to contact me and get back together because that is the best for everyone.  What bothers me is that even for my birthday in the meantime he did not even greet me.  I need to sit back and wait and see.  I know I should not let this put me down but it’s still fresh in my mind. I love him. What do you think?”

This is definitely not looking good at all.  What did you do so bad to him that he does not even want to say hello and exchange greetings?  People do that to perfect strangers.  I am assuming that he has harbored some nasty feelings for you all these years and now he is simply in a rebellious mode feeling a sense of liberation and pleasure by hurting you.  At this time, he has already passed his initial deadline.

You might want to seriously consider as if this relationship is over.  Considering that he is ignoring you like a stranger, it maybe time to make a new start.  I don’t want you to jump immediately into dating because you first need to focus on healing from the breakup because this guy is definitely acting weird.